To the Victor Go the Spoils, With the Victor Remain the Scars: The Soft Power Tactics of Black Patriarchy
How Black men weaponise misogynoir as a tool for romantic conquest
I. Introduction โ The Silent War Between Women
We live in a very dangerous world for Black women.
Across the UK and the US, rates of femicide and maternal mortality have skyrocketed since 2020โhigher than any other ethnic group. The perpetrators? Same as any other case in femicide: itโs often at the hands of the men supposed to love and protect us.
Feminist scholars have long deliberated on the question of how both the marital home and the birthing bed can be the most precarious places for women, while also being the key institutions where we are to derive our value. This conundrum is even more pronounced for Black womenโwho are increasingly becoming one of the most unmarried and childless demographics of women across the Anglosphere, in spite of our largely conservative-leaning communities.
You might be asking yourselves: how is it that a demographic of church-going, tradition-keeping, insular families can give rise to daughters who are highly educated, financially independent, and chronically unwed?
Well, for that, one must draw attention to our male counterparts.
According to US statistics, as of 2022, 52% of Black men had never been married, a steep rise from 43% in 1990. Of those who were married, 15% had spouses of other racesโwith 8% married to White women and 4% to Hispanic women. In stark contrast, Black women remain the least likely to marry outside of their race with only 7% having done so as of 2017 and, of that small group, only 4% were married to White men.
UK stats follow a similar trend. As of 2023, only 27% of Black Caribbeans and those of mixed-white and Black Caribbean were married. While I couldnโt find a recent interracial breakdown by gender, a 2011 UK census showed 79% of Black British women were married to or cohabitating with Black men. Around 16% had partners who were White, while a mere 2% had partners who were mixed-Black and White.
What can we deduce from these numbers? For me, the conclusion is rather clear: if Black women were increasingly unwed, it is due to Black men increasingly not requesting our hand.
This cultural pattern has sparked much debate among Black women on how to reconcile who we love with who loves us back, leading many of us into dangerous, reactionary pipelines on how to improve our supposed โlack of desirabilityโ.
Youโve seen it. One cannot exist as a Black woman on social media without being shovelled reams upon reams of content on how to โsolve our relationship woesโ. With โflatteringโ choices ranging from either:
Hyper-femininity journeys: where we costume ourselves to hide our natural features to be more compliant with white femininity,
Divest movements: eschewing Black men entirely, redirecting our attention to other races as a form of protest or self-preservation, or
Sugar baby culture: where we give up on love to target wealthy men for transactional partnerships based on finance.
Whichever pathway we choose, the message implicit behind it is clear: Black women are going to go where we are wanted. And it seems it wouldnโt be into the arms of the Black men we so historically loved the most.
In the space of this internalised conflictโcaught in a duel between insecurity and longingโBlack men are left with a hunting ground ripe for exploitation. And boy, do they make use of it. Colourism, social shaming, and racial triangulation soon became the weapons of war to divide and conquer.
Make no mistake: this is by design. These men are not foolish. They know if they can keep Black women tearing each other to shreds on the dangling promise of commitment, it would make us much that more accepting of disregard, disrespect, and disdainful treatment at the cost of being โpickedโ.
The trick to escape this emotional battlefield was always to realise you were never competing with the other womanโyou were being positioned against her.
II. The Man in the Middle: How Triangulation Works
To begin understanding this divide-and-conquer courtship strategy, let us first define triangulation:
In psychology, triangulation is a term used to describe when a person uses threats of exclusion or manipulation. [โฆ] Itโs a highly effective strategy to earn an advantage over noted rivals by manipulating them into conflicts between one another. Triangulation is a method used by selfish individuals to comfort and protect their egos.
For an example that relates specifically to romantic relationships:
In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will often bring another person into their intimate relationship to create friction, confusion, and jealousy. However, the individual usually enjoys the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about one another so that they can fight for attention.
Sound familiar?
Itโs a playbook Black men know off by heart. Youโve heard it from celebrities, from podcasters, from your fathers, your uncles, your cousinsโtheyโre all marching to the exact same tired anthem. They exploit the collective insecurities of Black women to make us dance to the tune of their rhythm, spewing venom in the form of veiled criticisms to erode your self-worth.
Whether itโs:
โBlack women are not โsoftโ or โfeminineโ enough to wife
compared to that other woman.โ
But if you are a Black woman who is bookish, introverted, and mild-mannered:
โThat one is too uppity, frigid, and thinks sheโs better than everyone else.โ
If youโve taken on the cultural lexicon and mannerisms that express your lower class background:
โBlack women are all โghettoโ and โratchetโ
compared to that other woman.โ
But if you are from a wealthy or middle class background, or at least carry yourself with the sensibilities of fine taste:
โThat one is too bougie and thatโs why Black men donโt fuck with you. You never give a chance to a brother down on his luck.โ
If youโre an unambiguous Black woman who doesnโt conform to the colourist ideals of being light-skinned, mixed-race, or with a looser hair texture:
โWell, thatโs just my preference!
This is why men donโt want you Black bitches, youโre all too bitter.โ
But if youโre a Black woman who dares to have her own preferences for lighter-skinned men, or God forbid, men of another race entirely:
โRace-traitor! Bedwench!
That man donโt really want you, heโs probably racist or a fetishiser.โ
It doesnโt matter what kind of Black woman you are, whether youโre thick or thin, quiet or loud, classy or โratchetโโthe intent is to plant the seed in your mind that you are not good enough as you are.
Having this constant negative feedback loop in our ear is how Black men convince us that, to be true partners worthy of commitment, we should be willing to โhold our men downโ through anything.
Whether itโs financial hardship, jail time, infidelity, violence, or liesโwe are conditioned to view our merit as Black women through what we are willing to endure. Instead of a place to find safety and uplifting, love becomes a proving ground for our silent strife.
And the grave insult?
You could do all of that: drag this man out from the dirt, soak up every bit of his mistreatment, and build him into something wholeโฆ only to see him take your investment to cash it in with the next woman.
The game was rigged from the start.
The only way to win is not to play.
III. The Types of Women He Chooses
The first step in the divide-and-conquer strategy is simple: categorise your subjects.
Below are a few different archetypes that men lay down as chess pieces to orchestrate their psychological warfare (often unwittingly, itโs that deeply ingrained):
The Muse:
Beautiful, wounded, often isolated.
She is lauded as the shiny trophy that can be paraded before other men. If he attains her, he objectifies herโsocially, sexually, even reproductively. He will father children on her out of wedlock but never publicly honour her. If she rejects him, she becomes a symbol of his failed knight complex. He โpinesโ for her from afar, not because he loves her, but because she justifies his martyrdom. She is not a person to him, but a shield to hide from his own inadequacy.
The Therapist:
Emotionally literate, deeply intuitive, often a creative or intellectual.
He offloads his psychological baggage onto her, using her perceptiveness to understand himself. If he prides himself on being a softer, more cerebral Black man, then he will strip her down for partsโprogressive politics, cultural insights, emotional intelligenceโto tinker the well-adjusted persona he will use to impress someone else. The dynamic is parasitic at its core. And always one-sided.
The Challenge:
Assertive, guarded, difficult to read.
He wants to โwinโ her as a game. Since he cannot meet her at her level, he will drag her down to his. Itโs never about proving himself to her as a man worth having, but the ego boost of knowing he can trick her into believing it. After all, actual change requires effortโheโd rather perform goodness until she lowers her standards. When she doesnโt give him what he wants, he lashes out by comparing her to โsofterโ women. The final play for a man who lacks capacity to meet a womanโs expectations is to shame her for having them.
The Wife Placeholder:
Safe, convenient, politically useful.
The woman he marries after heโs done damaging the others. In most cases, sheโs Black, often selected after men have finished chasing their โpreferences.โ The โdo-over wifeโ becomes an essential part of his redemption arc in the public eye if heโs been accused of violence against other women in the pastโeven though he likely hasnโt changed at all. Her reward? Lifelong emotional neglect and silent complicity.
Donโt be fooled.
Some of these women appear to have better treatment: more attention, more worship, maybe even a ring. But the elevation is only surface-level.
Each women is assessed for her utility, not her value:
What can she provide me? What does she represent? How will she boost my status among other men?
None of them are being cherished or honoured by these men, they are simply being used differently.
The elusive โperfect womanโ doesnโt exist. But he wants the idea of her to haunt your psyche all the same. The fear that if only you were prettier, lighter, more chaste, more classyโyou might finally be enough to be chosen.
If youโre busy trying to outperform her reflection in the mirror, you wonโt have time to take the measure of the man at your side.
You wonโt see all the ways his own reflection is lacking.
IV. What This Does to Women
When it comes to failures in love and romance, the stereotype goes that women internalise blame, while men externalise it. For Black women, this sense of shame is exacerbated. We grow up in a world unprotected, undervalued, and mentally reinforced by society, the media, and our own communities that there is some inherent fault within us.
So itโs to no oneโs surprise that the moment we perceive replacementโseeing the man we poured into for weeks, months, or sometimes years of our lifespan turn around and play perfect partner to someone else (complete with a soft launch, Instagram captions, and a Pinterest-worthy wedding)โwe can be left nursing some deep psychic bruises.
The silent declaration is that we were not โworthyโ of the version of him that the other woman received. That the capacity for it was always inside of him, he just didnโt want to give it to us.
Even if itโs just an illusion cropped, curated, and filtered through a rose-tinted lensโit stings. And that wound doesnโt always close neatly. It festers. Into guilt, rage, disillusionment. A preoccupation with whom we consider to be โthe other womanโ:
Is it her weave? Is it her skintone? Did she give it up to him quicker? Was her body count lower? Was she more docile, feminine, and nurturing?
Was she simply better at not needing?
This is the endgame of the divide-and-conquer strategy.
This is how Black men worm their way out of taking accountability. Turning women inward, away from himself and the emotionalโor physicalโdevastation he wrought in his path to attain โThe Oneโขโ. He lets us fight among each other so that he can retreat, untainted, into someone elseโs arms.
But, letโs be very clear:
That woman was never your rival.
She was just another target.
V. The Real Enemy: Men Who Break Us, Then Disappear Into Respectability
Now, Iโm about to hurt some feelings:
I lay the blame for Black womenโs devastating outcomes in femicide, rape, domestic abuse, and maternal death squarely at the feet of Black men. Not the ghost of the โelusive, evil White manโ. Not the abstract bogeyman of the state. Not colonialism. Not capitalism. Not even โthe systemโ.
Black. Men.
At the risk of sounding even more controversialโeven if it was some external force, it would only emphasise how subpar Black men have been as protectors.
It is Black men who create fatherless households, running through women and not honouring them with commitment and marriage.
It is Black men that expose little girls to unsavoury intentions and leave little boys without true moral guidance.
It is Black men who beat women, use women, exploit womenโboth inside and outside of the raceโand then expect to cower behind our skirts from the consequences of the law.
They create chaos and then point towards:
the โlying white womanโ,
the โbitter exโ,
the โman-hating feministโ,
the โmoney-grabbing baby mamaโ,
At anyone except themselves, and expect Black women to drop our dignity and discernment for them at a momentโs whim.
Enough is enough.
The woman they do eventually put a ring on is not winning. Sheโs coping.
The โdevotionโ she receives is merely poisoned fruit. Because what is devotion without accountability? What is loyalty from a man who needs you broken down and worn out to feel worthy of you?
There is no envy to be had here. Just grief.
Grief for the shared inheritance we receive from a system that teaches us that Black men are owed something from Black women, even when they do not fulfill their end of the bargain. Grief for how even the beautiful, intelligent, accomplished ones get used, sidelined, and discarded.
Nothing will change until we collectively take these men to task.
Until we demand that they show up for us as the men they claim to be.
Until we stop coddling them with excuses, with exceptions, and with misplaced anger.
We cannot wait for the revolution.
We must become it.
VI. Reclaiming the Narrative
It is time for Black women to choose ourselvesโand only ourselves.
We donโt need to be friends. We donโt even have to agree. But we are not each otherโs enemy.
Solidarity between women is the only line of defence we have against male violence. It ensures that while Black men continue to protect their own interests at our expense, we are safeguarding our own.
That means:
No more excusing, rationalising, and enabling menโs behaviour.
No more gaslighting your friend into giving him another shot.
No more worrying about the harm done to his reputation over the safety and sanity of a victim.
Itโs hard to accept that we all have mental blinders on.
I recognise many of us will refuse to remove them.
But I would rather be supporting, protecting, and uplifting my fellow sistersโthan crying over a man who was never worth my heartbreak.
If youโve read this far, then I hope you feel the same.
VII. Closing โ A Warning and a Benediction
Black women, hear me: you have always been enough.
Never forget, here in the West, we are the cultural architectsโwe are the trendsetters, thought leaders, social commentators, tastemakers.
Everyone wants what WE haveโup to and including the men who claim they donโt.
They hold us down to prevent us from realising our true power:
That we are the blueprint.
Do not let them.
Additional Watching
For further references on the topics Iโve covered here, Iโd like to shout out a fellow Black female creator below, CeciliaRegina275, who is well-learned on Black history in the US and gives concise, educational, and vital social critique centring the Black female experience. I highly recommend you watch the video linked and then go on to consume the rest of her backlogโwhich is immense.
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Another Black female creator I recommend is Princess Weekes, who skews more towards media analysis than social commentary (though she does still have a formidable roster of many excellent social critiques in her backlog). I think her video contextualising the historical roots of this deeply-embedded misogynoiristic trope is required viewing.
If this piece resonates with you, please consider donating to me on ko-fi. It helps me continue what I do.
If you have thoughts, critiques, and areas youโd like to discuss further, feel free to leave a comment!
Iโd love to hear from you.
Wonderfully wrote and insightful as always ๐
you've encapsulated this topic so well! i really appreciate you putting a clear face to the violence & high death rates black women & girls are going through. this has to be one of my most favourite things i've read this year. the message at the end is so important for young black women & girls today to hear & are trying to navigate this world. where black men are open with their hatred of us on social media which shows up in real life. black men are failed patriarchs & they rely on misogynoir that white men created to uplift their women & misogyny as their lifelines to help protect themselves & move around the world as men. instead of fighting white supremacy, they find it much easier to punch down. we need more articles like this aimed towards black women & girls in a world that is heavily engaged in misogynoir so again, thank you so much for writing this. it's so important.